Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability Sheila - your words will help so many struggling to understand their emotions in similar situations. I too, have received the call detailing the demise of embryos in public without my partner. It is extremely traumatic - I’m sorry you had to endure that and the issues with language/clinic procedure that just added to the melting pot of life-altering devastating events you have no choice but to live through.
When I reached such crossroads about what to do next it was always so urgent like I needed to figure it out and get myself better quickly - I was rushing myself. I learnt that those decisions can only be made from a place of acceptance and relative peace and that I had to just allow myself to process the grief first whatever way that was. It is a massive task when that involves grieving genetics. Be so so gentle with yourself and be assured there are some fantastic resources out there to help you navigate that. If you’d like me to share just let me know when you are ready x
Thank you not only for taking time to read, but also to send a lovely long message. I feel my heart growing with connection, I don’t want this to be something you connect to, but boy am I glad I’m not the only one in this boat.
It’s such a difficult phone call to receive but I’m glad that my husband wasn’t far away… I don’t think I’d have gotten home, I think I’d still be in the car park crying.
That’s very good advice to take my time and one I need to keep reminding myself of. I’ve decided to stay off work to help with this period of processing. And luckily my husband is Spanish speed and everything is done without hast (apart from driving where they drive like they’re making up for all the sauntering). I think it helps he’s said no decisions till the new year, I feel like even then I don’t think I’ll have a decision but perhaps be ready to explore the options. I have days with gusts of Googling and other days where the grief of everything so far has just removed the want to continue on this path.
Please do share any resources you have, it helps a lot to have those little pots of information to pop into when I get the gusts. Xx
Your husband’s advice ‘no decisions until New Year’ is perfect Sheila and maybe not even then if nothing feels clear. All I know from my time in serious consideration of next non-genetic steps was that when I knew I knew - usually after a period of distancing myself and having put it all to one side for a while. I’ll gently leave some accounts here that I found helpful:
@maybehood_ on IG or maybehood.com - Annabel blogged through miscarriage, IVF and eventual donor egg conception of her son.
@paths_to_parenthub on IG and podcast of same name founded by Becky @definingmum whose account was my go to considering donor options. There is a membership that looked amazing and I was going to join if I was definitely moving onto donor egg - so much supportive info. Becky’s work really helped me shift my mindset around what it means to be a mum if your own genetics can’t get you there.
@_tryingtobeamum_ on IG - Keeley documented a long IVF journey and eventual birth of her son through donor egg conception.
@childlesscollective on IG or childlesscollective.com - Katy is the founder of this online space for people childless not by choice.
You’re an absolute gem sending all this. I still haven’t found my way through them but I have them there pending attention. THANK YOU 🙏 I so so appreciate the support and places to go to find my next step, our next step. The happiest of holidays to you 💚💚💚
You’re a gem for consistently reading everything I write, not only reading but also commenting. Your support is so important to me and I really appreciate you 💗
You’re welcome, I look forward to reading your posts and I understand how meaningful it is to receive heartfelt comments - like I do when you take the time to read and engage with mine 🙏🩵🥰😘
Crying. Sheila Sheila Sheila. That is more than a person should be asked to bear. More than a person should have to tolerate. How much can a heart be broken and rebroken? This is devastating. The card has me both a bit spooked and a bit in love with the magic of life, even when it’s ripping your heart out.
Thank you for sharing your tears with me Natalie 💚 How much can a heart be broken and re broken I don’t know and we can only hope infinitely! The card is spooky, incredible really and your comment has got me remembering it again. Life is magic.
Heartfelt, honest, vulnerable and traumatic...I see you and writing this must have been such a powerful way to help yourself process the situation.
"I am stronger than I thought as it turns out, the news I had been fearing all my life will not kill me and there will be something on the other side and it is up to me to create that."
I am looking forward to all you create on the other side.
Thank you for seeing that. It’s given me a new shield, if I can do that, I can do anything. Let’s see, I feel like my life is indeed under construction. Thank you for reading and your lovely words, it means so much to me 💚
Substack is a great forum for writing and a great place to connect. Welcome Shiela. My wife and I have a large family but have lost some to heaven. Thanks for being vulnerable and writing through the pain. There are people that need to hear your words. That’s inate within us. We heal by helping others. Kudos.
Thank you Donald for your kind words. I am so sorry for your losses, I imagine no matter how many children who are still earth side, the loss of the children that are no longer here isn’t any easier. I hope my vulnerability helps others with their pain, I hope by sharing I let others know they’re not alone. I also hope also to increase the empathy of others who’ve not experienced infertility and loss. Thank again for reaching out 💚
I am so sorry for your losses, Sheila. Your strength of spirit shines through even if you don’t always feel it in body, mind, and heart. I hope by sharing your story you feel buoyed by our love and care. Wishing you peace, in whatever form it may come. 💗
Thank you, I appreciate your words so much. I’m glad that although my eyes show a sadness, my spirit is showing strength. I do indeed feel buoyed by your support (what a beautiful visual amongst so many wave metaphors). Sending you so much love and hugs 🥰 Thank you again, your messages are an integral part of my journey 💗
Ohh I'm so sorry you had to go through such a painful moment, Sheila! It's quite striking how you can describe your emotional states in such detail. I guess writing about those terrible days helped, if only a little, to get you through each day. I remembered the day when I was given such a piece of news and I always called that day being on the bottom of the ocean. I couldn't (and didn't) go further down from there, only upward.
Sending you a long, bear hug! Take all the time you need to heal, slowly. The days are short and outside it's colder, winter solstice is closely approaching, it's a good moment to turn inside - inside your home and inside your self, to nurture and heal your self. 🤗💛💛💛
Thank you for your lovely reply Monica 💗 I’m very flattered to think I can express myself and how I felt/feel.
It did indeed help to write about it, to try and articulate it. I also read it to my husband (a tradition we have is I read on of my last drafts to him) and it was a lovely way to connect. Of course he was there but he wasn’t inside my mind.
I can really visualise your description of being at the bottom of the ocean. It’s interesting we both use sea/ocean analogies to describe the feelings..
Thank you, that’s such a beautiful suggestion. It is indeed a time to turn inside to heal. I’m not really sure at times how to heal, I think sometimes I’m doing to ignore and I can feel myself needing lots of slow time. I guess just need to follow this.
Sending big hugs back, I am sorry you too have had this horrendous news but I’m glad of the connection. It makes me feel wrapped in a blanket of knowing connecting with you ☺️❤️
Sending you a fuzzy blanket hug! I'm also reminded of this Rilke quote: "Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final." ❤️
Am so sorry.. as someone who has endometriosis and adhenomyosis for over a decade and has had over five failed cycles of IVF and four surgeries, and countless procedures, I hear you.. One thing, I have however learnt is to try and be more gentle and compassionate with myself
I think people with endometriosis deserve the title of warrior. What you have managed to get through is incredible, both physically and mentally. I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience all that, it’s so incredibly unfair and hard! It’s good advice, being gentle and compassionate with myself is so important right now. 💗💗
“hope is growing already in the cracks of my shattered self.” What a journey. I am so sorry for all you’ve been through, so glad you have shared it, and so grateful that you are already finding hope. 💔💕
Thank you for reading, I so appreciate your time and connecting with you through my words 💗 Trying to just keep it simple of finding the hope in every day. Thank you again for making it to here.
Thank you Amber, I’m glad you enjoyed it. When I put finger to keyboard I didn’t know it’d end up where it did. I realised the card is actually the structure of this writing, incredible really!
Incredible how you’re holding the reader through all that turmoil. All that suffering and yet you’re the one looking out for us! If that isn’t a mother I don’t know what is. God bless. 🙏
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability Sheila - your words will help so many struggling to understand their emotions in similar situations. I too, have received the call detailing the demise of embryos in public without my partner. It is extremely traumatic - I’m sorry you had to endure that and the issues with language/clinic procedure that just added to the melting pot of life-altering devastating events you have no choice but to live through.
When I reached such crossroads about what to do next it was always so urgent like I needed to figure it out and get myself better quickly - I was rushing myself. I learnt that those decisions can only be made from a place of acceptance and relative peace and that I had to just allow myself to process the grief first whatever way that was. It is a massive task when that involves grieving genetics. Be so so gentle with yourself and be assured there are some fantastic resources out there to help you navigate that. If you’d like me to share just let me know when you are ready x
Thank you not only for taking time to read, but also to send a lovely long message. I feel my heart growing with connection, I don’t want this to be something you connect to, but boy am I glad I’m not the only one in this boat.
It’s such a difficult phone call to receive but I’m glad that my husband wasn’t far away… I don’t think I’d have gotten home, I think I’d still be in the car park crying.
That’s very good advice to take my time and one I need to keep reminding myself of. I’ve decided to stay off work to help with this period of processing. And luckily my husband is Spanish speed and everything is done without hast (apart from driving where they drive like they’re making up for all the sauntering). I think it helps he’s said no decisions till the new year, I feel like even then I don’t think I’ll have a decision but perhaps be ready to explore the options. I have days with gusts of Googling and other days where the grief of everything so far has just removed the want to continue on this path.
Please do share any resources you have, it helps a lot to have those little pots of information to pop into when I get the gusts. Xx
Your husband’s advice ‘no decisions until New Year’ is perfect Sheila and maybe not even then if nothing feels clear. All I know from my time in serious consideration of next non-genetic steps was that when I knew I knew - usually after a period of distancing myself and having put it all to one side for a while. I’ll gently leave some accounts here that I found helpful:
@maybehood_ on IG or maybehood.com - Annabel blogged through miscarriage, IVF and eventual donor egg conception of her son.
@paths_to_parenthub on IG and podcast of same name founded by Becky @definingmum whose account was my go to considering donor options. There is a membership that looked amazing and I was going to join if I was definitely moving onto donor egg - so much supportive info. Becky’s work really helped me shift my mindset around what it means to be a mum if your own genetics can’t get you there.
@_tryingtobeamum_ on IG - Keeley documented a long IVF journey and eventual birth of her son through donor egg conception.
@childlesscollective on IG or childlesscollective.com - Katy is the founder of this online space for people childless not by choice.
xxx
And @missconceptioncoach infertility and grief counsellor whose posts just always got to the truth of how I was feeling
You’re an absolute gem sending all this. I still haven’t found my way through them but I have them there pending attention. THANK YOU 🙏 I so so appreciate the support and places to go to find my next step, our next step. The happiest of holidays to you 💚💚💚
😭😭😭😭 gosh what a gripping read. De
You’re a gem for consistently reading everything I write, not only reading but also commenting. Your support is so important to me and I really appreciate you 💗
You’re welcome, I look forward to reading your posts and I understand how meaningful it is to receive heartfelt comments - like I do when you take the time to read and engage with mine 🙏🩵🥰😘
I too love your posts and it’s a pleasure engaging with them. 🩵😘🥰
🥰😘
Crying. Sheila Sheila Sheila. That is more than a person should be asked to bear. More than a person should have to tolerate. How much can a heart be broken and rebroken? This is devastating. The card has me both a bit spooked and a bit in love with the magic of life, even when it’s ripping your heart out.
Thank you for sharing your tears with me Natalie 💚 How much can a heart be broken and re broken I don’t know and we can only hope infinitely! The card is spooky, incredible really and your comment has got me remembering it again. Life is magic.
Heartfelt, honest, vulnerable and traumatic...I see you and writing this must have been such a powerful way to help yourself process the situation.
"I am stronger than I thought as it turns out, the news I had been fearing all my life will not kill me and there will be something on the other side and it is up to me to create that."
I am looking forward to all you create on the other side.
Thank you for seeing that. It’s given me a new shield, if I can do that, I can do anything. Let’s see, I feel like my life is indeed under construction. Thank you for reading and your lovely words, it means so much to me 💚
Substack is a great forum for writing and a great place to connect. Welcome Shiela. My wife and I have a large family but have lost some to heaven. Thanks for being vulnerable and writing through the pain. There are people that need to hear your words. That’s inate within us. We heal by helping others. Kudos.
Thank you Donald for your kind words. I am so sorry for your losses, I imagine no matter how many children who are still earth side, the loss of the children that are no longer here isn’t any easier. I hope my vulnerability helps others with their pain, I hope by sharing I let others know they’re not alone. I also hope also to increase the empathy of others who’ve not experienced infertility and loss. Thank again for reaching out 💚
I am so sorry for your losses, Sheila. Your strength of spirit shines through even if you don’t always feel it in body, mind, and heart. I hope by sharing your story you feel buoyed by our love and care. Wishing you peace, in whatever form it may come. 💗
Thank you, I appreciate your words so much. I’m glad that although my eyes show a sadness, my spirit is showing strength. I do indeed feel buoyed by your support (what a beautiful visual amongst so many wave metaphors). Sending you so much love and hugs 🥰 Thank you again, your messages are an integral part of my journey 💗
Ohh I'm so sorry you had to go through such a painful moment, Sheila! It's quite striking how you can describe your emotional states in such detail. I guess writing about those terrible days helped, if only a little, to get you through each day. I remembered the day when I was given such a piece of news and I always called that day being on the bottom of the ocean. I couldn't (and didn't) go further down from there, only upward.
Sending you a long, bear hug! Take all the time you need to heal, slowly. The days are short and outside it's colder, winter solstice is closely approaching, it's a good moment to turn inside - inside your home and inside your self, to nurture and heal your self. 🤗💛💛💛
Thank you for your lovely reply Monica 💗 I’m very flattered to think I can express myself and how I felt/feel.
It did indeed help to write about it, to try and articulate it. I also read it to my husband (a tradition we have is I read on of my last drafts to him) and it was a lovely way to connect. Of course he was there but he wasn’t inside my mind.
I can really visualise your description of being at the bottom of the ocean. It’s interesting we both use sea/ocean analogies to describe the feelings..
Thank you, that’s such a beautiful suggestion. It is indeed a time to turn inside to heal. I’m not really sure at times how to heal, I think sometimes I’m doing to ignore and I can feel myself needing lots of slow time. I guess just need to follow this.
Sending big hugs back, I am sorry you too have had this horrendous news but I’m glad of the connection. It makes me feel wrapped in a blanket of knowing connecting with you ☺️❤️
Sending you a fuzzy blanket hug! I'm also reminded of this Rilke quote: "Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final." ❤️
Am so sorry.. as someone who has endometriosis and adhenomyosis for over a decade and has had over five failed cycles of IVF and four surgeries, and countless procedures, I hear you.. One thing, I have however learnt is to try and be more gentle and compassionate with myself
I think people with endometriosis deserve the title of warrior. What you have managed to get through is incredible, both physically and mentally. I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience all that, it’s so incredibly unfair and hard! It’s good advice, being gentle and compassionate with myself is so important right now. 💗💗
🤗 take care
You too ☺️🥰
“hope is growing already in the cracks of my shattered self.” What a journey. I am so sorry for all you’ve been through, so glad you have shared it, and so grateful that you are already finding hope. 💔💕
Thank you for reading, I so appreciate your time and connecting with you through my words 💗 Trying to just keep it simple of finding the hope in every day. Thank you again for making it to here.
Deeply emotional 😰 and that end bit though ! “ it is up to me to create that.” That’s the bit that got me the most !!!!!!
Thank you Amber, I’m glad you enjoyed it. When I put finger to keyboard I didn’t know it’d end up where it did. I realised the card is actually the structure of this writing, incredible really!
Incredible how you’re holding the reader through all that turmoil. All that suffering and yet you’re the one looking out for us! If that isn’t a mother I don’t know what is. God bless. 🙏